and that my soul knows very well

Before I realised what date this is, it's Easter Sunday and coming to the end of the month. Time flies... in stealth mode, often realisation comes too late; even in regrets and sighs. Regrets for the numbing schedule and routine I long to break away from and reach for a different level, sighs for the fatigue and the seemingly difficult reach to do more - go further - get closer. And it does feel as real as unreachable. Does growing older mean lesser energy? At the moment I'm still prodding this over, like I'm yet to be totally convinced of my standing at this point. Hah, nonsensical question? Well, when you're my peer and over and doing what I'm doing or want to do, you would be asking this too. I am tired and drained but I want to go on... and more! That's why I need to think this over. I can't do without focus.

But my gut feel says nope, the older I get I should be more efficient and I know I can be what I want to be in God's might. So it's time for an internal healthcheck - heartscan by the Lord: there has been a build up of friction through circumstances and people which is slowing my down. It's time to let go and let God - calls me to remember this Easter's message - the prime focus is the Lord Jesus Christ and no other. That's what's draining me : circumstances in my life that seeks to take my eyes off Christ - as I write, my heart seems to pinpoint the helplessness I feel within me when the decision belongs to another and all I could do was to offer advice, prayer and hope they will cope and overcome. Funny to know how things can get to you when it happens to people you love. It's the helplessness I need to deal with, for I am used to exhaust what possible means to get things done and not being able to do much about it really stuffs me. I'm feeling helpless over issues which it's alright to be helpless about because I am limited in what I can achieve. These moments of reminding myself what I had known makes me feel like a tape recorder. And I need to remind myself. By the time these thoughts slide through my fingers, I already feel lighter and better about myself.

I am grateful, truly in God's light we shall see light.